The history of this great country is marked with wars throughout our generations. However, the vast majority of Americans are completely unaware of a seasonal battle that continues every summer in Vanderbleen, Ohio. Some would call it a “Holy War” since it plays out between two large churches directly across from one another on the peaceful intersection of First Avenue and Elm Street.

First Community Church is famous for it's fire and brimstone preaching, while the Elm Street Assembly emphasizes the mercy and compassion of Christ.

First Community is also known for its amazing, deep fried potlucks. This has led to a more fashionably-minded congregation who prefers to cover their expanding flesh in layers of coordinated colors. Elm Street is a lighter, tanner and more athletically minded assembly unashamed of showing more of their natural, God-given beauty.

During most of the year when area temperatures are much cooler, the townspeople tend to dress warmly. However, when summer arrives, Vanderbleen can be a mecca of hot, muggy weather, starting as early as mid May. The beginning of sorrows started like this...

One Sunday in June, while both congregations enjoyed a lazy afternoon on their respective properties, several Elm Street members soaked up the sun and played water games on the back property. Problems began when the gentlemen from First Community noticed a few of the fearfully and wonderfully made ladies in swimsuits. The men didn't seem to mind at first, but their sisters in long, pleated apparel were quick to point out their error in judgment. Demands were made that something be done to prevent a repeat of such worldly behavior from that church across the street. The first shot was fired the following Sunday morning.

The large sign outside First Community read, “A Modest Church, Unlike Some Others.”

Elm Street quickly responded with words of their own. “Fancy Clothes Can't Cover Gluttony”

Overnight, First and Elm become the most popular spot in Vanderbleen.

Both congregations came alive with discussions, doctrinal debate, scripture searches and slogan contests. Then the next volley of written jabs was on display for all to see an hour before worship the next Sunday.

First Community's sign: “We Dress For God”

Elm Street: “Thank God You Dress!”

Later in the week, Sister Etta Warner, Co-Pastor of First Community Church and six-time winner of the “Spicy Wings of Glory” Fried Chicken Cook Off wrote a scathing letter to the editor of the local paper. Her biting words took this street fight to a new literary level. She condemned the ladies across the way for being “nearly naked vixens of lust,” while extolling the virtues of grease and godliness 'neath the veil of modest apparel courtesy of Nordstrom.

Raising the stakes, Elm Street implemented a property beautification and stewardship program consisting of weekly lawn mowing, edging and weed whacking. This would commence at about the same time preaching began in the normally quiet, open windowed sanctuary of First Community Church. The following Sunday, the signs were back in use.

“You Can't Mow Your Way To Heaven!” scolded First Community.

Elm Street replied, “The Way Is Narrow. Will You Fit?”

Vanderbleen has become quite a tourist attraction for northern Ohio. Traffic triples at the popular intersection every Sunday in May through September where the war of words rages between the congregation of ties and the assembly of tank tops. Most drivers just want to get their weekly dose of brotherly love shared on the signs of the two churches before the cooler temperatures of fall set in.